The difference between Validating and Affirming

In couples and individual therapy work, a communication skill that comes up frequently is the use of validating statements to help the person across from us feel heard and understood. When I bring up the use of validating statements in session, it is not uncommon for me to be met with resistance from my clients. They often think that I am asking them to agree with something the whole-heartedly do not agree with. Validating someone’s experience as worthy of regard is materially different from affirming it as the only truth.

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To be able to validate the person we are speaking with, we must be able to adopt Theory of Mind. This is the skill of empathy. Not all of us may be great at taking another’s perspective, but we certainly can practice and try to get better at it, for the sake of maintaining, healing, and growing valued relationships.

To validate someone, is simply to say, “I hear and understand you when you tell me that my words caused you a lot of pain.” To affirm someone sounds more like, “I agree my words were hurtful and mean.” It may seem like we are splitting hairs here, but the nuance is where the difference in impact hides.

In your validating statement, you leave room to add, “Please know that was not my intent. I promise to try and do better by remembering how certain words trigger painful memories for you.” Do you see the difference? An affirming statement sounds a lot like a “yes” or “no” statement with no opportunity to discuss ways to grow together in the future. A validating statement invites both parties to acknowledge the other’s emotional experience, take ownership of our contribution to that emotional experience even though our intent was not to cause it, and to discuss ways to amend and be mindful moving forward.

The truly resistant, will say something like, “Yeah, but that’s their problem that their feelings got hurt, they misunderstood me and I’m not responsible for their emotions.” You’re not entirely wrong. Our emotional reactions are not ours (or anyone else’s) to control. What we can control is how we chose to act in response to our emotional experiences. So, the person that is hurt by our choice of words is responsible for choosing the best way to act on those feelings of hurt. And you are responsible for choosing the best way to act when you feel unjustly blamed because that other person is telling you how your words made them feel. The person who is initially hurt may lash out, or they may take a more measured approach in how they voice their hurt. Whatever their choice is, you also get a choice in how to respond to the emotions that arise within you in response to their actions.

"Learning to stand in somebody else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. And it’s up to you to make that happen." ⁠—Barack Obama

So, next time, consider taking a deep breath when in an argument. It’s likely that both of you are feeling unheard and misunderstood. Attempt a validating statement, followed by any questions that might help you better understand the other’s perspective, before expressing your own perspective on the matter at hand. Here are two scripts that help illustrate this for you:

Validating Approach

Person A — How can you say that to me? That’s so hurtful and inconsiderate!

Person B — Hey, pump the breaks. I’m so sorry I caused you pain. I promise that wasn’t my intent. What did I say that caused you pain?

A — You know how I feel about [insert topic], and here you are making jokes about it. It’s so insensitive!

B — I can see how my jokes would have caused you pain. It’s not an excuse, but I was tired and wasn’t thinking before speaking. Again, I’m sorry, next time I’ll be more careful with how I voice my opinion on that issue.

An Invalidating Approach

How do you think a validating approach could change your conversations? This communication skill can be useful at work, at home, among friends, and anywhere else where a relationship is involved.

One last thing, If you truly don’t understand another’s perspective, you haven’t done enough to understand the root emotions at play. Be curious! Suspend your judgement, your personal opinions, and just be with your valued other in trying to understand their pain. I promise you, the time invested in doing this will pay dividends for your relationship with them. Ultimately, it is okay to say, “I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective here, but I do get how much this means to you and that their are a lot of complicated emotions tied up in it. I hope we can keep talking about it so I can learn more about you and support you in whatever ways I can.” It’s okay to pause and return to the conversation. Doing so will help you and them grow together.