Postpartum Mental Health for the New Father
- Dr. Divya Jain
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
Their baby has finally arrived. Lungs screaming for air, limbs flailing to grab for comfort. His wife is bed ridden from the physical exertion of birthing their infant. The overhead lights in the birthing room are blazing white. He stands by her side, excited, terrified, clueless about how to be of help, clueless about what to do next.
Similar to mothers, new fathers can experience a range of mental health challenges that often go unnoticed and unspoken. Anxious thoughts like, “Am I doing the right thing? Am I capable? I hope I don’t kill our child!” are not unique to mothers. Feelings of isolation and loneliness, struggling to make it from one day to the next with little to no sleep, feelings of helplessness as the newborn shrieks at the top of his/her lungs are not unique to women. Fathers struggle too.
While mothers may be silenced by being told, “This is par for the course, you should be grateful you have a child.” Fathers have typically been conditioned to not admit emotional pain because it is a sign of weakness. “Buck up! Be a man!” The intensity of postpartum depression and anxiety varies from person to person. A dad can experience this type of pain in an immense and complicated way, and feel ill equipped to give voice to his internal struggle. “Who am I to say anything when my wife just pushed out a watermelon?” “My wife and infant need me, I can’t break down now.” “Buck up!”
White-knuckling one’s way through the “Fourth Trimester” rarely works.
Common signs of paternal postpartum mental health difficulties include irritability, anger, anxious rumination, indecisiveness, social withdrawal, loneliness, hopelessness, feelings of inadequacy, and decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities. While many new parents experience some or all of these for a brief period of time immediately after their child’s birth, increased support and attention is warranted when these symptoms persist with growing intensity or for a period longer than 2-3 weeks. New fathers may begin experiencing burnout from role overload, identity shifts, or coming face to face with their own unresolved childhood trauma. It can be exceedingly difficult for men who have gone through their own struggles with family and upbringing to feel confident in their abilities to be a good dad to their child. Becoming a parent is no walk in the park, and the pressure to be the “best possible parent” is real.
Just as it is common for women to feel the pressure of being the “best mother,” it is natural that men would experience a similar pressure to be the “best father.” And each person’s notion of what “best” means may differ. Add to this the fact that traditional cultural expectations place responsibility on a father to “provide” for the family. What does it really mean to “provide?" The answer may differ from family to family, and culture to culture. Can your partner and you both provide in an equitable way that is not limited to monetary income? The answer that is right for you and your family can only reveal itself after honest and vulnerable conversations with your life partner.
Dr. Jain is skilled in supporting fathers attempting to find clarity within these swirling thoughts and feelings. Through talk therapy, she can help you feel more at ease when you have honest and vulnerable conversations with your partner -- ones that will bring you back to feeling confident in your new role as both a father and a husband to a mother. Call now for a consultation and to set aside time for you.
