At Bodh Center for Wellness, I help a lot of people establish, or re-establish, a sense of belonging. Usually, the struggle to belong is rooted in the struggle to fully recognize or clarify and accept our identity. If we aren’t clear about who we are and what we stand for, it’s pretty darn hard to establish a safe and secure sense of belonging. How can you fully belong in any space where you are not truly yourself?
So what is identity? It’s not just your job. It’s not just your family. It’s not just who you are when no one else is looking. It’s all of the above and more. Our sense of identity is weakest when we hang our hat on just one peg. Our stress resilience, or overall sense of wellbeing in the face of life’s inevitable ups and downs, is strongest when our identity is well-rounded. By being well-rounded, I mean, your sense of pride in yourself is diversified by investing your time and energy in multiple facets of your identity.
Let’s see this in action. John Doe is all about work. You meet him at a mixer and ask him, “So, tell me about yourself, what do you do?” “I’m an investment banker,” he says, while puffing out his chest a bit and rocking on his toes. That’s all he has to say to your open-ended and inviting question. Well, the market crashed and now John is under a lot of duress and his sense of self worth is tanking because it’s entirely wrapped up in whether or not he succeeds as an investment banker. Who is he, if not an investment banker?
Jane Smith is also an investment banker. You meet her at a mixer and ask her the same question, “So, tell me about yourself, what do you do?” “Oh gosh! What would you like to know? Professionally, I’m an investment banker, but my passion really lies in rock climbing. I try to go at least three times a week! I’m also a foodie and I’m pretty lucky that my job let’s me check out the awesome restaurant scene in New York whenever I want. I’m super close to my nieces and so I try to treat them to some place fancy every couple of months.” During the same market crash, Jane is just as stressed as John about her job security and professional success. However, her hobbies and close family ties help her stay resilient despite the long nights and overwhelming sense of anxiety from not knowing what’s next. Deep down she knows that she will remain a valued member of society, and that her nieces will love her no less, if she is no longer an investment banker. Her identity is not solely contingent on her work. In fact, her hobbies/passions offer her possible launching pads for an entirely new line of work should she chose not to return to banking. Janet’s well-rounded sense of self will help her bounce back from the major setback of losing her job much faster than John. John’s under-developed sense of identity, and under-developed sense of belonging in spaces other than a bank, make him more vulnerable to developing signs of mental illness and adopting poor coping strategies when under prolonged periods of duress.
What about you? Do these examples help you see how diversifying and investing in your sense of self and strengthening your identity can protect you from the chronic health impacts of daily stress? Check out this Pie of Life worksheet to identify what you are already doing in each facet of your identity, and also to identify the opportunities for identity growth.
